A Good Friday

Ever wonder why we call Good Friday "good"? For a nonbeliever, calling a day like today "good" is absurd. But, for a believer, it makes perfect sense why we call today "good". Our lives would be much different if Jesus didn't do what He did today. Now that's crazy to think about.

Besides today being good because of what Jesus did for us, today is good for another reason for me. As all of you know I have been thinking a great deal about graduate school. You also know that I have been going back-and-forth, back-and-forth for a very long time. Today, I am feeling very happy and content with a decision that I have made. Hopefully this decision will last longer than a couple of days. As of right now, I am feeling very called to get my doctorate. This might be crazy to some people but it seems so right for me. I do indeed feel called to this. I am called to do something great. I am called to do something unlike the majority of people. I am called to make a difference in a very special way. When looking at the grand scheme of things, my dream is to open my own practice, a big practice, for families, spouses, and their children. I imagine having this large practice, maybe we should call it a company or something, that really serves those "little chruches," the domestic church - the family. This sounds so wonderful to me. And yet some may wonder how on earth I will do all of this. How on earth will I have my own practice while being a wife and a mother (God willing)? I ask this myself. The things is, we can't figure it all out. We can only plan for the future so much. The rest we have to leave up to God. If God is calling me to this, and if He is calling me to be a wife and a mother, then He will make it happen. I may not understand how, but He does and He will come through for fulfillment. If God is calling you to something, and even though you may not understand it or you may not know how it will all work out, you need to answer that call. He will work all of the kinks out. So this is exactly what I am doing. I am answering the call and letting Him work all of the knots out.

You may be wondering how I have come to this conclusion and how I am at peace with it. My answer is prayer. I don't know if you have ever heard of St. Gianna but she has been quite the inspiration for me. I don't know a whole lot about her myself but what I do know of her has given me strength and courage. St. Gianna was a medical doctor and a wonderful wife and mother. She was a very prolific woman, so much so that she gave her life for the sake of her baby a few days after birth. St. Gianna was canonized by Pope John Paul II in 2004. Because she was a wife, mother, and a doctor, I felt that she was the one to pray to for my own situation. In her I have found much strength, courage, and drive. I feel at peace, I think, because of her. Maybe she has given me the grace and peace to accept this call in my life. St. Gianna has been a model and influence for me thus far, and I can imagine that she will continue to be so. So, on this Good Friday, I feel very at peace and content. I feel that my calling is a great one, and I am so excited about it. I feel much strength and desire. Thank you, St. Gianna.

Stripped

I told you that I would mention something about Holy Thursday. What actually got me the most tonight at Mass has more to do with Good Friday than it does Holy Thursday. After Mass the altar was stripped of its garments, flowers, decorations, etc. for Good Friday. Watching this take place really prepared me for tomorrow. It kind of brought a sad feeling, seeing the altar being so bare, so naked. I think it made me sad because I understand what it symbolizes. Jesus was stripped of his own garments in preparation of carrying the cross. That's what tomorrow is all about. Jesus' journey to the cross. Seeing the altar being stripped mentally prepared me for the events that will happen tomorrow. You see the altar being stripped and you are kind of speechless. You don't really know what to say. You feel something that you can't really explain. It's a very humbling and beautiful thing to experience. I'm glad that I noticed it today.

Home Sweet Home

I have made it home for Easter break and I am so glad. Mom and I have been making nedeva and the kitchen is smelling good! I am getting very excited for the Triduum servics: Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and Holy Saturday. I plan on going to Stations on Friday and to go bless our Easter food Saturday afternoon. These are all traditions that I just love. Yep, Catholics are full of traditions. Tomorrow is Holy Thursday, one of the masses that I especially enjoy. There is something about the washing of the feet that is so beautiful and symbolic. I don't have to talk about it too much now because I will probably talk about it tomorrow night. Holy Week is one of my favorites, and I can't wait to talk about it.

Guided by Your Will

As I was praying this morning I came across this little prayer about purpose from One-Minute Prayers for Women, 2004. I figured I should share it with all of you. Enjoy!

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever - do not abandon the works of your hands. ~Psalm 138:8

"Will I ever feel as though I have arrived? When I was a child I could not wait until adulthood. I thought all the mysteries of life would become known. And I was certain a sense of deliberate purpose would fill me. I am still not at this place of understanding, Lord. But I do know Your love.

Lord, work out Your will in me and through me. Make my days fruitful. Guide me in my choices and in my attitude as I become the person You created me to be. Let me carry on with purpose, trusting in Your love." p. 193

Selfless

As Christ was selfless on the cross, we are also called to be selfless. We must empty ourselves just as Christ emptied Himself when He was scouraged at the pillar, when He carried the cross, and when He died. This is hard to do. It is hard to let go and surrender. But it is a worthy cause. I guess my advice for these last few days of Lent, this Holy week, is to be holy and selfless. Try to give without receiving. Surrender yourself - whatever this may mean for you. I am not sure what surrendering means for me right now, but I will think about it.  

Spontaneity

My Sunday was the complete opposite of my Saturday. I did not have a "plain Jane" Sunday. Instead, I was actually spontaneous, which doesn't happen very often. And it turned out that my spontaneity proved to be extremely worthwhile. When I was at brunch after Mass someone mentioned that there was an NFP (Natural Family Planning) talk at the FOCUS missionary house later today, and she invited me and another friend to attend. Normally, I am not very spontaneous because I always have so much to do. However, I had spent the majority of Friday and Saturday working on homework and papers, and, even though I need to write a paper today, I felt that I had the time to dedicate my afternoon to this talk. Needless to say, my friend and I went and we were very glad that we were spontaneous.

The talk was given by a doctor in her residency at KU. She biologically explained fertility and the like and discussed birthcontrol and other contraceptives. It was extremely informative to understand fertility in such a biological way. For those of you who don't know, I am extremely interested in NFP. I find it so fascinating and according to God's plan. However, besides the informative benefits I received from this talk, I am excited about two other things that branched off of it. I will explain them now.

First off, I have always thought about becoming an NFP practitioner. If I were to do so, I would basically teach NFP to other people. I would teach them the theology behind it and I would teach them how to use it. I asked this woman if I have to be married in order to become a practitioner, since it seems to me that I would understand it better if I was practicing myself. She said that I don't have to be married to be a practitioner. This surprised me. If I were to become a practitioner this doesn't mean that it would be my full time job. It would be a nice little side job, and I would do it because I love it. So, I am thinking about looking into it to see if I could be trained next spring semester, since I will not have started graduate school yet. I am going to look into it and I am really excited about that.

The second thing I am even more excited about since it directly deals with my current life. I was just so amazed by this young Catholic woman. I mean, she's a doctor and she's getting married in October. Being young, Catholic, and desiring to be a doctor myself has given me a lot of anxiety and worry in the past year. I have never been able to figure out in my head how I am suppose to do it all, to become a doctor and yet want to get married and have children. I just don't know how all of that would work. I have been jumping back-and-forth, back-and-forth trying to figure out the most rational thing to do. Yet, I am still having difficulty. But seeing this young woman doing something she loves and being so passionate about it got me so excited for my own life. After the talk I went up to her and asked her about it. I told her my struggle and that I wanted to know how she overcame the same struggle. She said that if I am so passionate about it that I need to follow my passion. I can't think about all of the negative things that would happen if I decided to get my doctorate, but about all of the positive things that could happen. Most importantly, she said that I needed to keep praying about it. And she said that she would pray for me too. So here I am so excited about this. Excited to see how my prayers will be answered. Excited for this worry and anxiety to end. Excited to be so passionate about something. If God wants me to do it, I will do it. If He has another plan for me, then I will follow that plan. It was great to see a Catholic example living out this idea that brings me so much worry and confusion.

Obviously, my Sunday has been so wonderful. Being spontaneous has paid off big time. I ask that you all pray for me in hopefully coming to make a decision in my life. Pray that God may speak His will nice and clear to me and that I will be open to hear it and to follow it. And you all will be in my prayers. God bless!

Plain Jane Saturday

Not much has happened as of yet this Saturday. I got 10.5 hours of sleep last night, and boy do I feel marvelous! Sleep is important ya know. Once I got up I wrote a paper so now that is all done, minus last minute corrections. I will go to dinner tonight, maybe do a little more homework, and then hang out with one of my friends. Just another Saturday, plain as can be. But I am ok with that. Sometimes you need a little simplicity in your life. Sometimes you just want to relax and have a boring day. That doesn't bother me one bit. A movie even sounds good, and I don't say that often.

I am looking forward to Easter break, and not because I get a break from school. I just love Easter! I love all of the Triduum services (Thursday, Friday, Saturday) and I love Easter Sunday. I love dressing up and I love participating in all of the masses. It is my favorite time of the year. It's warm outside (except for yesterday and today) and everyone is happy. Our fasting will soon be over. I can't wait to eat some desserts! What should I have? I love the smell of Easter (thanks mom for making our traditional food in our kitchen!) and I love the feeling of Easter (nice and clean and purified). Easter really is my favorite time of the year, secular year and Church year. I remember when I was little and my mom would put sponge curlers in me and my sister's hair. We would have to sleep on them, in pain I might add, through the night. The first thing I would do when I woke up was feel my head to see if any of the curlers fell out. Then I ran to the fireplace to see what I got in my Easter basket. Oh I love Easter baskets! I would put on a springtime dress with nice shoes that clicked around (I loved making the click sound with my shoes) and panty hose. And my hair would be nice and curly. Oh the good ol' days! How I loved them! All of our Easter traditions is something that I want to keep doing when I have children some day. Regardless to say, I am very excited for this Easter. It is coming up so soon and I can't wait! I plan on dressing up and going to all of the Triduum services. You should try it out, too. They are fenomenal. Get excited! Easter is almost here!

Peace

There is not much that I want to say this evening, but one thing that I can say is that I feel much peace. I'm sure that God has been working in my life, yet I don't feel anxious or worried. I just feel peace. I can't really explain it. I am content. I don't say that often. I know I have been receiving much grace from God this last week, and it has been getting me through. My body and mind are tired but I am still going strong, and at peace. I really don't have much concern. I know that everything will work out the way that God wants it to. I am not worried or anxious or anything like that. I just am. I am being. This is a good place to be.

The Sincere Gift of Self

I love being Catholic! Here's why: I am able to fully understand myself. Just listen to this. In Gaudium et spes (Vatican II document), paragraph 24, the Council states that "man cannot find himself except through a sincere gift of himself." Truth. I am able to understand myself more fully when I give of myself. Perfect example, a husband and wife fully giving of themselves to each other. A priest fully giving of himself to the Church. A mother fully giving of herself to her child. A friend fully giving of himself to his friend. The list can go on and on, but the main point is that we come to understand ourselves better when we are unselfish and give ourselves away. This means staying up late when a friend needs to talk, putting homework aside when someone needs you, waking up in the middle of the night to feed the baby, and so on. I have learned this over and over that this is the truth. And every time that I've learned this in some way, I have become overjoyed with my life, with the person that I am. Life has its full meaning when you fully understand yourself, and this can only happen when you give of yourself. Yes, it may be difficult, but the results are insurmountable. I will say it again because it is so good: "man cannot find himself except through a sincere gift of himself." Now that's something to put on your frige.   

Spiritual Maturity

The virtuous life requires a continued growth. We should always be learning, growing, and becoming better people. We should become more and more spiritually mature. I think about my life and I realize that I have grown spiritually, and I have noticed how differently I live my life, how I carry myself, how I think, the way I speak with people, and the like. Through my growth I have become a better person. I would consider myself a much better person than who I used to be, not to say that I was this awful person - now I am more spiritually mature. So, I encourage a continued growth. Life is better that way.

I have noticed these last few days that it has been difficult for me to come up with something to write. Maybe it has something to do with all of the papers that I am working on now. Maybe it has to do with where my head is at. Sometimes I think about so many things, or just one thing, and I can't put it into words. I don't know how. I don't know what to say. This is interesting. Maybe I am processing something. I know myself well enough that I know that I have to process things before I can talk about them. I have to figure things out in my head first before I start talking about them. When you grow, you also learn more about yourself. This is what I have learned, especially this year.

Excitement for the Future

As much as future plans may scare us, they are just as exciting as they are scarry because absolutely anything can happen. If you are the type of person who's glass is half empty, this may not be an anxiety-free statement. If you are the type of person who's glass if half full, this idea brings you great excitement. I am this type of person. As worried or as uncertain as I may be about my future plans, I am still so excited to see what will actually happen. Think about it. Absolutely anything can happen. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined my life the way it is right now. Never. And yet here I am living it. To think of what the future can hold is unbelievable. You can think about the future and how things will turn out, but, as has been proven in my own life, my dreams do not even compare to reality. Reality has always turned out to be greater. So here I am trying to figure out my future, trying to plan as much as I can. Why bother? To a certain extent you do need to plan, but to another extent you don't. This is how I see it. If I continue to grow closer to Christ and if I cotinue striving for virtue, the most wonderful things will happen in my life. I can imagine getting married and having a family and living the dream, but I don't even think that my imagination can actually contemplate how good it will actually be, that is if I continue to grow in holiness. Therefore, the future should bring me excitement because great things will happen if I continue to follow Christ. You can only worry so much about the future. The rest of the time you should just be excited about it. I am excited. I can't wait to see how it will turn out.  

Love

I want to talk about love tonight. The kind of love in which you know that everything is right in your world. The kind of love that you can't fully explain. For me, I don't receive love through gifts. I receive love through touch. I feel love the most when I can physically touch it. The best example that I have of this is children. I fully understand what love is when I hold little babies. This is what I think is so beautiful. I do not love them because of what they give me. I do not love them because of what they do. I love them because of them. I love them because they are children of God. How can you not love them? It is in and through children that I am able to understand love, true love. We want what is best for these children and we do it. When they cry, we feed them, change their diaper, care for them, hold them. This is what all love should be like. When someone is in pain, we should care for them; crying, comfort them; lonely, befriend them. It is through children that I am able to see what God sees. Think about this. Think about the way that you look at little babies, especially newborns. Think about the way that you look at every inch of their body. The way that you gaze at them. The way that you are so delicate with them. The way that you talk about them. The way that you caress them, hold them, comfort them. Think about that. I have news my friends. The way that we look at babies is the same way that Jesus looks at us. Now that's a thought. We see babies as beautiful and wonderful little creatures. God looks at us the same way. If there is ever a moment when you don't feel loved, imagine a child and realize that God looks at you in that way. He holds us, smiles at us, gazes at us, warms us, and comforts us. Isn't that a beautiful picture? If you have ever wondered why I love children so much it is because of this. It is because I am able to see God, who is love, more clearly through children.

Humble Me

I really felt that I have had some very humbling experiences this weekend. I'm going to be honest, it doesn't feel real. I keep telling people to wake me up from this dream. This weekend has been so different from the way that I normally live my life. I don't think I can explain it here, and not that I even want to since I am still processing it all. I honestly felt like a much different person this weekend, but in a good way. I felt like I was a better person. That's a very unusual feeling. I liked the person that I was, that I still am. Being humbled really makes you think, especially about your life. Confusion is setting in again but I am just going to let this way fall to the wayside. This week, the last full week of classes, will be very interesting. Being humbled is good. I've grown, I know that. It is good.

Surrounded

Well, yesterday was quite the eventful day. It was our spring formal, the first and only one that I was going to. After class I left school to go pick up my date from the airport. Unfortunately, I didn't make it to the airport because I got into an accident. I am fine, just a little tender, but my car is not. I won't share the story of what exactly happened here, but if you want to talk about it just give me a call. Nevertheless, my date and I made it to the dance at about 10:00 p.m. (4 hours late) after taking a little trip to the hospital. Better safe than sorry. And yes, I did end up going to the dance after all.

Let's talk about today. Because of what happened yesterday I felt the need to be around people all day. Despite all of the things that I have to do and that I could have done, I spent the majority of my time being around people. I just felt like I needed that. It felt safe. And I wasn't even a bit concerned about all of the things that have to get done. That isn't even a concern for me right now. I feel like I really understood the meaning of life today. Spending it with people you love. It can't get much better than that. And now I am alone in my room wishing someone was here. I really am doing fine, but it is just hard to be alone with your thoughts. Like I said, I feel safe when others are around. I am craving people, which is exactly what Jesus intended for us all along. I'm glad to know that I understand what is meant to be.

Thank you to all of those who were with me today. You really made my day special.

Your Grace is Enough

Here is something I have been thinking about a little bit: Christ's grace. He has given us this grace, which is a gift, to help us. We especially receive this grace through the Eucharist. I guess what I have been thinking about is Christ's grace is always there and always available. The fact that this gift can help us is so marvelous. I ask for grace when  something is very difficult. For instance, God, give me the grace to get all of this done. Or, give me the grace to become more like you in my RA work. So, if you're having trouble with something or with someone, ask for God's grace. I did this today and I am feeling much better. He won't let you go unanswered.  

Almost There

It really hit me today how little time I have left until the end of the semester. The scary part is how much stuff I have to get done between now and then. Let me tell you, thinking about such things can make one very worried, anxious, and stressed. However, I decided that I am not going to think about how much stuff I have to do and how much little time I have to do it in. Instead, I am going to just do it and get it done. I'm not going to think about the bad, yucky stuff. I will think about the good stuff: turning it all in and being done! Oh yeah this sounds great. One day at a time, one step at a time. This is how I am going to be living my life for the next few weeks. When I am doing something that is really fun or enjoyable, I am going to be fully present in that moment and not think about what needs to be done. When I am working on papers and projects, I will not think about how much I have left to do, but instead I will think about accomplishment. This I can do and this I can handle. 
     "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Joy

Tonight I want to talk about joy. I think this goes along the same lines as confidence. One thing that makes me so sad is all of those negative Nancy's out there. Sure, I understand that at some moments we are going to be tired or crabby or worried, and granted we all are like this from one time to another, but how can someone live life with some a negative view? Do you not see hope? Do you not see the Lord's blessings? Do you not see creation? I like to think that I am a pretty joyful person. I am not joyful just because I did well on a test. I am joyful for no apparent reason, as it seems. I am excited to live life and to see what God has in store for me. And this makes me joyful. We all should be excited to live our lives and see what happens. I know I am. I can't wait to see what my next step in life will be. Living another day doesn't stress me out. It makes me joyful. And it is my joy that I wish to share with others. I want them to take my joy, apply to themselves, and then give it away to other people. Joy. Even the word makes me happy.

I pray that you all have a joyful day tomorrow - or today :)

Confidence

I want to talk about confidence tonight. I believe that this is a trait that I possess. I believe that I have great confidence, not because of all that I can do and accomplish, but because of the One who allows me to do and accomplish all of those things. Read this quote, it should help:

     "Because the Christian has the Lord Himself dwelling within, the potential for inner strength (i.e. confidence) is unlimited."
                             ~Bedside Blessings, 19.

Yes, I do have a lot of confidence, but I have this confidence because I know of the One who has given me all of the things to be confident about. If I know that the Lord is working through my life and leading me to greatest, how can I not be confident? Seriously, how can one not be confident? I think this is a phenomenal philosophy to live by. You have Christ living in you and working in you. Confidence should flow from that. It is not you that you are primarily confident in, it is Christ who you are confident in. Therefore, knowing that Christ is in you makes you confident because you have greatness flowing within you. How can you not be confident after hearing that? 

Seeking Inspiration

Once again, as I was sitting down getting ready to type, I found nothing in my mind in which to talk about. So, as I have done before, I sought inspiration. Unfortunately, this time no fire was lit within me. That is ok. I will just type and see where I end up.

I love feeling accomplished. I felt that last night and today. I got more work done yesterday that I actually thought, and I made the final corrections on a paper today that I am turning in tomorrow. It really does make you feel good, to put your final mark on something and be done with it. I feel very accomplished. And it wasn't all that bad. This gives me hope for the future.

Ok, here's an activity. Describe yourself using ten words. Here I go: goal-driven, optimistic, passionate, selfless, unique, intelligent, beautiful, warmhearted, kind, and silly. I don't know, I thought that was fun. If there is an adjective that I left out you better let me know. I think it is a good thing to describe yourself. Maybe it's a way for you to check yourself. Am I really the person that I just described? If not, become that person. If you are lacking in one area, step it up. It is good to check ourselves every now and again. And it's pretty fun.  

The Paradox of the Cross

This is one of my favorite mysteries of Christ and the Church: the paradox of the Cross. It is just so, so awesome! Here is the bible passage and then I will explain it.

... but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
     2 Corinthians 12:9-10

This is where the paradox lies, on the cross. Jesus' act on the cross seems like an extremely weak moment for him. He suffered, he bled, he cried, he was in agony. However, his death on the cross was his strongest moment. Through his death on the cross, heaven became opened to the world. Because of Christ, we are invited into eternity.

I really like this paradox because when I feel the weakest, when I think that I can't do any more studying, that I have nothing else to give, that I can no longer help anyone or myself, I am made strong in these humble and vulnerable moments. I realize that I am strong, that these moments do bring me much strength because I am participating in the life of Christ. I suffer just as Christ suffered. Obviously not to the same extent, but I am living the way that He lived. When I realize that I am weak, I then take on a part of Christ, and then I am strong. It is through my weaknesses that I am made strong. You can't get better at something until you work and sweat over it. When I have really weak moments, when I have too much homework to do, too many jobs to do, too many activities to go to, I just remember this paradox and then it all makes sense and it all seems worth it. "For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Have a beautiful, beautiful Sunday!

One Step at a Time

Ah! Sorry about last night. I was planning to write last night but I was on call and sick, and it just left my mind. I obviously didn't do it intentionally. Hopefully you will gain a little something extra tonight.

As of three minutes ago I had no idea what I was going to write tonight. So, for a little inspiration, I pulled out two inspirational books that have daily reflections. It wasn't today's reflections that got me thinking but a quote on the page for the beginning of the month. It reads, "Every journey is accomplished one step at a time." Truth. Think about it, I wouldn't have gotten here to this place where I have accomplished so much if it wasn't for all of those little steps that I had to take, the difficult and the easy. And yet, these accomplishments here are just little steps for a bigger accomplishment. Ponder on that for a second. This thing that I have accoplished, this thing that I have worked so hard at, is just another step for something greater. This is so true for everything. On a supernatural level, we do the things here on earth so that we can reach heaven, the greatest accomplishment. We have little accomplishments throughout our day that help us reach that goal. Life is full of stepping stones. I like that. I just came up with that right here and now. Oh, that's quote worthy. I'm going to write that one down. And here's the analogy: yes, life is full of stepping stones, but it matters in which way you step down. I don't know if any of you have ran down a mountain before, but if you have you will know exactly what I am talking about. Once you've climbed up this steep mountain you've got to get down. This is the easy and fun part. You could walk down, but this would be the hard way. Instead, it is much easy to just let your body run down. Ah this is so enjoyable. You let go of your body and just let it fall kind of. So, as you are running down this mountain, you bounce back and forth from boulder to boulder. The easy way to do this is to step with just your toes. Your heel doesn't even touch the rock. You are flying down this mountain so fast that you don't even have time for your heel to touch the rock. But, if you are going slow and you let your heel bounce off the rock, this will make for a long and uneventful trip down. This way is just too difficult. The way you step on the rock matters. You could do it the easy way or the hard way, it is up to you. This is the same with life. Life is full of stepping stones. We can step on them one way, a way full of pessimism, unhappiness, fear, etc., or we can step on them another way, a way full of optimism, joy, and adventure. This sounds like the better way. So, as you are stepping on those little stones tomorrow, think about the way that you are stepping on them. Are you joyful? Or, are you in a bad mood for no apparent reason?

I hope you have a blessed Sunday!

P.S. The way this blog turned out was not was I was anticipating when I began to write my analogy. And look, something really great came from it. This is what I call divine inspiration.